Independence day

photo by Parker Fitzgerald

Last July I received an unexpected letter in the mail. I read it. The words inside that letter woke me up from a deep slumber that I'd unconsciously allowed to wash over me. Hard facts are known to do that. That letter forced me to ask questions that I knew I had been avoiding asking. Those questions forced me to hear answers that I knew I had been avoiding hearing. Those answers forced me to take account of how far from freedom I had traveled and for what?

People who are able to truly love do not lightly put their lover's lives in jeopardy. People who are able to love value their own lives, for the sake of their lovers, if not themselves.

That letter, a record of invisible actions and impulsive decisions, changed my life forever. Forever for the better. I asked, without shame: Are you able to love? If so, are you loving the things that you want to? What in your actions allows your love to be seen?  If nothing, is love really present? If not, why pretend?

The universe has a plan for me (and for you). Let it unfold. Feel it wash over you. There is beauty, light in even the darkest moment- can you see it? This is what freedom feels like. We are lucky to know that feeling.

Branch, Ape and Twig

I had a dream that I had 3 daughters, named Branch, Ape and Twig. Branch was the oldest daughter and I thought her name was so beautiful and strong. I was proud of her. Twig was a baby and I didn't like her name as much, but seem to have felt that there were no other names available. It was as though all the names in the world had run out and I was forced to choose Twig. Strangely, I didn't seem to have an opinion either way on the middle child, Ape.

A few moments later I was standing in a grassy yard. There was a rectangular swimming pool filled with stuffed animals. The stuffed animals were overflowing at one end of the pool, as though to mimic a wave crashing on the beach. I thought it was peculiar that the pool was filled with toys and I thought to myself, "I am having lots of thoughts about childish things". I wasn't sure it was meant to be, but I felt that the pool made for an interesting and strangely beautiful piece of conceptual art. I filed the idea away in my memory, in case there came a time that I might need an idea for a piece of interesting and strange conceptual art.

Then there was a lady in front of me, or perhaps I was the lady and there was a small audience in front of me. It may have been only me in the audience. I am unsure. Maybe both. To one side, there was a series of 3 doors. They were miniature, child-sized and made of a rich, dark, heavy wood. To the other side, there was one other doorway. I cannot remember exactly what it looked like, but my memory says that it was more modern, plasticky and it might have been open, or with no actual door at all. This doorway was arched, whereas the series of 3 were standard rectangles. It was larger than the other 3 and it was white/bright. The woman (or myself?) was saying:

"You can choose the three or the one, but if you choose the one, you cannot choose the three".

She pointed to the doors as she spoke. I had a feeling that I wanted to choose the 3, but that I was expected to choose the 1. I contemplated the solidity of the 3 and thought, "why would I choose one, when I could choose three? " Surely there was three times as much exploration, option and space with the set of 3 doors than there would be with only one. But I knew everyone (who exactly 'everyone' is, I'm unsure) wanted me to choose the one. I felt pressured to choose against what I really wanted.

I don't remember making a choice before I awoke. If I did, I know it was the three.